from October 5, 2003
In an effort to persuade girls between the age of 12 and 17 to read the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers in Nashville have put the Good Book in a new format: the fashion magazine, which they market under the title Revolve. The New Testament can now be purchased and read alongside quizzes, celebrity birthdays, and pictures of beautiful, smiling young Christian women.
Say the girls who use it, it’s like awesome.
Say I, wait till they put the Old Testament in the same format. A picture of Adam and Eve eating apples in the nude would be, well, you know, like truly awesome. Of course to preserve the fashionableness, they would not be eating apples; they would be smoking marijuana and singing that old children’s favorite, “Puff, the Magic Dragon.” And of course there would have to be a CD in the package with Peter, Paul, and Mary of New Testament fame belting it out, as well as a quiz on the best way to obtain this illegal substance.
Say I, the same goes for a picture of Sarah and Hagar battling it out over the rights to Abraham. Thomas Nelson Publishers could include a discussion question: If these two had been fortunate enough to have been born into Christian families, would they be acting like this? Or, What does this teach us about the evils of polygamy and adultery? Or, more boldly, If this situation applies to your nuclear family, how would you peacefully resolve the problem in such a way that everyone goes home happy and with their self-esteem intact?
The idea for a spiced-up version of the New Testament came to the researchers at Thomas Nelson Publishers when they discovered, to their chagrin, that teenagers don’t read the Bible anymore.
Apparently their research has not been extensive enough for them to discover that teenagers don’t read much of anything anymore. But they are in the Bible business, so they would have to discover that truth in their own spare time, which they undoubtedly spend channel surfing in quest of the best of the new sitcoms.
Am I advising the reader not to purchase a copy of Revolve? Not at all. I’m suggesting that they purchase a dozen or so and distribute them to the adults on their Christmas list. This book will make a wonderful, even awesome, gag gift.