Studies have shown that the average New Year resolution continues in effect for fifteen (15) days.
This high number is attributed to (1) what remains of the Protestant work ethic, (2) the stoical among us, and (3) the tendency among the rest of us to make easy-to-keep resolutions—in a word, cheating.
The same studies disclose that the most common resolution concerns a change of diet. A startling revelation. I would have guessed that the average American would resolve, while watching the Rose Bowl Parade, to become a kinder, gentler, less cynical person in the year to come. (Disclosure: I myself annually resolve to remain the kinder, gentler ass-kicking satirist laboring away in a way that is peculiarly my own.)
The second most common resolution is to make more money. The questionnaire follows up this anticipated response by querying the respondent concerning what he or she plans to do with the extra cash. Leading the list is the purchase of an expensive vehicle, most often a Hummer (men) or a Lexus (women). This, too, awoke me from my dogmatic slumber. I would have thought that the average American craves money in order to distribute it to the less fortunate. (Disclosure: I myself give a tenth of my earnings to the church of my choice. My earnings are, I must admit, meager: I took the vows of chastity, poverty, and obedience soon after my wife had me burned to a crisp and deposited in an urn. Ten percent of nothing is—you do the math).
But enough of the studies. I come before you today, my fellow Americans, as the leading, indeed only, former candidate for President of these United States on the—let me check this out—yes, the Dead Rights ticket. You have besieged me with questions, not always kindly put, concerning my proposals for making America an even greater nation.
Today I wish to announce that, if nominated I will run, if elected I will serve, and that one of my first acts as president of the aforementioned great nation will be the establishment of a new national holiday. That holiday will be named Break Day. It will be so named because it will be devoted to breaking the resolutions we as Americans have made on the onset of a new year. Mark this date on your calendar: January 2.
The festivities will begin on Break Day Eve, at halftime of the last bowl game that has been played. At that time all those who have resolved to eat healthier food and less of it will, with no feelings of guilt, put down their alfalfa sprouts and salt-free crackers and follow their natural instincts. The visions of sugar-plummed Hummers and Lexuses will be excised from their morbid imaginations. On that eve, and on the day following, they will go about high-fiving and crying, “Back to the Old!”
My Nobel-studded committee of economic advisors informed me that this day will keep the engines of economic growth humming.
[Inaudible question, but unkindly put.]
I refer all questions to my advisors.
[Semi-audible question concerning identity of those advisors.]
Due to technical difficulties beyond my control, my website is not yet operative. Thank you for your patience on this matter.
Q. Could you speak to the question of what those technical difficulties might be?
A. I have not yet mastered the art of running a computer. Keep in mind that I come from a lowly background. I am the only (former) candidate who can claim to inhabit an urn. As my ads correctly informed you, “There was no room for him in a coffin.”
[Exit former candidate, right.]