April 21, 2024
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Ms. Talia la Musa
The latest poll conducted by Bugby International, the Cadillac of political pulse-takers, shows that Ab Ennis (deceased), candidate for president of the United States of America, has maneuvered himself and his running mate on the Dead Rights Ticket, Orville Slack the Youngest (also deceased), into a highly competitive position for the November free-for-all.
While his rivals have been unable to move decisively ahead, reports Bugby, Mr. Ennis has gained 100%, with a margin of error of +/- 50%. What we of the Kachina Round Table find interesting is that Large Southwestern State, in which we meet twice a month, leads the nation in Ennis’s rapid climb.
Some analysts have pointed out that these astounding numbers can be accounted for by the “fact” that the original Bugby poll, taken online, showed that there were a mere six voters who intended to vote for Ennis and Slack, and that the Hôtel Adios Watering Hole in which these six are wont to hang out has become the main “mission field” for the Dead Rights campaign. Twice six is twelve, or, put differently, a 100% gain amounts to a mere six “converts” to the tenets of the Dead Rights Party Platform. The implication is that regular imbibers of potent potables are easily persuaded.
We find this explanation cynical in the extreme. I know for a fact that my tee-totaling mother, who resides in Kansas with her pet parrot, plans to vote for the Ennis/Slack duo. Her reasoning? She has always had a keen interest in politics, has never missed a vote, is approaching the cremation stage of life, and is intrigued by the Dead Rights innovative platform. Her only reservation is that my father, already deceased and well-urned, would, under the Constitutional Amendment Ennis and Company are plumping, also be eligible for suffrage. Their future votes, she fears, would cancel each other out, in the event that Mr. Ennis would be elected president and his plan for another Constitutional Amendment were to be implemented.
I have discussed my mother’s sole reservation with Ab and the gang.
I was quick to point out that women live longer than men. Myles na Gopaleen, Jr., added that unfortunately, most dead people do not choose the cremation route. Ms. Mews suggested that this might be for religious reasons. I made the indisputable point that most Americans are religious. Ab Ennis concluded that therefore, my mother’s reservation is overstated.