The Dead Rights Party (DRiP) is on the move. Recent positive articles in the Yreka Post-Whatever (California), the Rifle Monthly (Colorado), the Baggs Globe (Wyoming), the East Chatham Chatter (New York), the Nome Post-Dispatch (Alaska), and Madcap Magazine are beginning to raise the consciousness of the average voter about our alternative to the Democratic Party and the GOP.
Not that the bionic urn has captured the imagination of the public. A recent Bugby poll shows that 38% of those phoned were able to recognize the donkey as the symbol of the Democratic Party; 39% the elephant, of the GOP; and <1% and change the bionic urn, of the DRiP.
Clearly, our campaign is in stealth mode but ready to drop bombs.
The next step in any campaign, before the nominating convention, is the creation of a platform. The DRiP is no exception. The Platform Committee, under the able leadership of Myles na Gopaleen, Jr., is pleased to announce the publication of its findings by Eleven Speed Press.
Herewith is a succinct summary of the five (5) major planks in the DRiP’s platform.
1. Naturally, the issue of voting and other rights for deceased Americans enjoys pride of place. It is the raison d’être of the DRiP’s existence.
2. Logically, the DRiP concludes that, since parrots have cognitive abilities, American parrots over the age of 18 should also be granted equal rights.
3. Concerning the War on Terrorism, the DRiP vows to convert Islamic State operatives, here and abroad, to Evangelical Christianity.
4. As for the economy, the DRiP promises to add 20 million high-paying government jobs in the first year of its tenure, with preference being given to newly-enfranchised, newly-robotized dead Americans and parrots with an IQ of 85 and below.
5. Regarding the Vietnam War, the DRiP proposes a new law requiring all textbooks to obliterate any mention of said war from their pages. Moreover, no mention or hint of this controversial event in American history should be allowed in any newspaper, talk show, magazine, or campaign speech. The rationale for the DRiP position is that this non-war was started by the French.
A must read for every American, living, dead, or inhabiting the body of a literate parrot, none of whom can be, on Election Day, under the age of 18.