from July 15, 2004
Dear Orville Slack IV,
Off the top, I got an admission. I’m not a handsome guy. Fact is, my wife once called me ugly. She used other words to the effect that I’d look less round if I kept away from the fast food joints.
But does my appearance keep me from being propositioned, even in broad daylight? You guessed it. No.
Maybe it’s my personality. Also, the fact that I brush my teeth regularly. Well, maybe “brush” ain’t the word. I put ’em in a glass of water every night. This makes for a nice smile, which they say adds to my personality. “They” being the hookers.
Trouble is, I can’t afford their services. Bad investments is the cause. Before the stock market tanked I was flush and enjoyed their company even if it was for only maybe ten minutes, max.
Plus the fact that I’m a minister of the Gospel.
Get the picture?
—Troubled in Tuscaloosa.
I receive many letters from those of your type. Here’s my analysis and advice to the lot of you.
The classic solicitor is the hooker.
Slack makes no judgment about the legitimacy, either legal or moral, of this profession. He does, however, suggest that you utter one or another of the following statements in the event you choose to refuse the offer.
1. “You’ll need written permission from my wife.”
2. “Sorry, lady, I gave at the office.”
3. “Sorry, lady, I’m three months behind at home.”
In the event that you wish to roll the dice, you might consider merely asking, “Do you take MasterCard?”