From: Leticia Ladrona, Esq.
To: Members of the Kachina Round Table, Hôtel Adiós, Small Southwestern City, Large Southwestern State
Re: Analysis of Candidates FYEO (For Your Eyes Only)
Copy: Ms. Analia Horney, Psy.D., New York City
Herewith the results of analyses of the two candidates, as conducted by Ms. Analia Horney.
Mr. Ab Ennis appeared serene, even stoic, in demeanor. His vocabulary is extensive and redolent of the educated class to which he manifestly belongs and of which he appears to be proud to be a member. He eschews curses and blasphemies and does not punctuate his speech w/ detritus (e.g., “uh,” “well,” “I mean,” “like,” clearing of throat, and so forth). When questioned re points on which the media might find fault w/ any or all of his past actions, he offered that his flight from Russia using his brother’s passport might cause embarrassment to either his campaign or his reputation, or, he thoughtfully added, to both.
Mr. Orville Slack IV enjoys talking. He speaks with a twang consistent w/ his claim to having been brought up in the intertwining panhandles of two of the most eminent of our southwestern states. His vocabulary and overall idiom are consistent with the geographical area to which he is clearly indebted for his formative years, an area he is wont to refer to as “muh breedin’ grouns.” When questioned re points on which the media and/or his enemies, real or imagined, might find fault w/ any of his past actions, he referred to those actions as “too menna ta menshun.” Any and all embarrassing traits and/or past behaviors could, he averred, be turned into “net plusses” in the coming campaign.
Note: One concern I would have from my extensive interview with the latter gentleman is that he exhibits an occasional verbal and/or somatic tic, which might be consistent w/ a later appearance of mental senescence. Given his longevity (b. 1934; resurrected some short time ago or less), this is rather to be expected.
N.B. Neither candidate smokes, either tobacco or what Mr. Slack refers to as “the happy weed.” Neither is overweight, as would be expected of those whose bodies are composed largelyof narrow-gauge aluminum. Both are beyond the age of erotic craving; indeed, neither possesses a virile male member. (Here I am making an assumption; I did not consider it seemly to inspect closely whatever was covered by their clothing, which, at least in Mr. Ennis’s case, I would regard as dapper.) Neither consumes alcohol to excess; in point of fact, Mr. Ennis’s dosage of daily “rotgut” is commonly limited to a single quarter-teaspoon of that beverage, admixed with oil of anise—apparently an old family recipe.