from The Church of the Comic Spirit

The living room of the tent. Sara is dressed as before, except that her hair is in curlers. She again knits pink booties, again stifles sobs. The calendar reads “June 1938 b.c.”

Narrator’s Voice: And when Hagar saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress.

There is a respectful knock on the tent flap.

Sara: (Calling) Come in.

Hagar enters.

Sara: (Looking up) Oh it’s you, Hagar.

Hagar: (British Accent) Yes Mum, it’s me, Mum, your loyal handmaid Hagar, Mum.

Sara: (Angrily) Where have you been? You’re five hours late.

Hagar: I have been out sacrificing an animal, Mum, to the pagan goddess Isis, Mum.

Sara: Who in hell is Isis?

Hagar starts to dust the furniture.

Hagar: She’s not in hell, Mum, she’s a nature goddess. Worship of Isis originated in ancient Egypt and is destined, Mum, to extend throughout the Mediterranean world, or I miss my guess.

Sara: And what animal have you been sacrificing, my good handmaid Hagar? Not one of mine husband Abram’s sheep, I hope?

Hagar: (Innocently) Oh no, Mum. It was a rabbit, Mum, an itty-bitty rabbit.

Sara: (Interested) A rabbit, huh? Tell me, how do you do it? I’ve been trying to kill a rabbit for nearly sixty years.

Hagar: It’s easy, Mum.

Sara:Yes?

Hagar stops dusting to explain.

Hagar :If I may be so bold, Mum, there are three simple steps.

Sara: (With great curiosity) And what is the first step?

Hagar: If I was you, Mum, I’d first hold off on the bon-bons.

Sara: And what do you expect the former Miss Holy Land to eat while she’s reading her Harlequin Romances and knitting booties?

Hagar: Alfalfa sprouts, Mum, between a pair of salt-free crackers.

Sara: Sounds terrible. And what is the second step?

Hagar: The curlers, Mum. They’ve got to go.

Sara: But my raven tresses are the glory of my womanhood, the essence of my sexuality! Plus, they make me feel good about myself.

Hagar takes a vanity mirror and holds it before Sara’s eyes. She fluffs Sara’s hair.

Hagar: I’m sure they do, Mum, but your beautiful hair has a natural wave to it, Mum, rendering curlers quite superfluous.

Sara: Well . . . I’ll think about it. And the third step?

Hagar: Begging your pardon, Mum, but they’ve got some real nice teddies down at Frederick’s of Hollywood.

Sara: And how would that look on the former Miss Holy Land?

​Hagar :Right now, Mum, not so good, but after six months on alfalfa sprouts and salt-free crackers . . .