Global Warming on Mars?

from February 1, 2004
 
In our last-but-one column, we promised to receive a bolt from the blue concerning the eligibility requirements for the MJTT Cremation Service. Though we consider our promises sacred, we also recognize that editors, like God, the Mafia, and other political parties, often work in mysterious ways.
 
I refer here specifically to the robust suggestion emanating from the office of Arthur Unknown, our editor. Though he rules with a velvet glove, we columnists have come to recognize that that glove hides a sturdy metal known to the chemical world as Fe.
 
In a word, Art, as he is known to his lackeys, has become obsessed with our president’s far-reaching plans for continued space exploration. He has wondered aloud whether we should not temporarily abandon our plans to reflect on the question of whether Orville Slack IV (deceased) should be outfitted with the paraphernalia our innovative service provides; whether we should not, instead, apply our industrious minds to thinking through our president’s noble plans and to making suggestions.
 
[Ed. Note: This is all bunk. The truth is that Junior, as he is known to his colleagues, doesn’t have the slightest idea what to do with the ashes of Slack IV. He—Junior—got his bolt from the blue, all right, but it came from following the budding debate over the wisdom of “our president’s far-reaching plans.” He simply wanted to weigh in on the subject, having written outlandish pieces on the moon and its potential as a source of energy.]
 
Let it be recalled that in several previous columns (August 24 and October 5), which will show up in the archives as soon as our esteemed editor learns how to fiddle with our website, we at MJTT proffered an ingenious plan to solve the earth’s long-term energy needs. The first stage of that plan consisted merely of plastering the moon (at least that portion of it that is visible to the naked eye) with used tinfoil. The second stage involved a higher technology; it was to borrow a few moons from our sister planet, Jupiter, and set them in orbit around the globe we have learned to call home.
 
Our colleagues at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories and Houston have judged this plan “do-able.” Some have even gone before Congress to plead for funding for its implementation. In fact, we have every reason to believe that our current president is favorably disposed to the general idea.
 
Now what, the careful reader might ask, is the relation between the MJTT plan and the one set forth by our president?
 
The latter’s plan, as reported by the media, involves colonization of the moon. What the media does not reveal is that part of the purpose of this colonization is to plaster our favorite satellite with used tinfoil! At any rate, either while the tinfoil is being put in place or while this work is being done (the administration is batting about the options), the moon will function as a station for further exploration of Mars.
 
The details of and rationale for this exploration so far are sparse. This is precisely where MJTT’s acute thinkers come into play. We propose that the main purpose of Mars exploration should be to see if Mars is warming up. If so, well and good; we can colonize it apace, thus relieving Earth of its population problem. If not, we propose the introduction of greenhouse gases and other noxious fumes on our sister planet to speed its warming, thus relieving Earth, etc.
 
This activity is self-evidently doable. We need not consult experts to know that. The only question is, Why did it take so long for homo sapiens to imagine this very real, very practical possibility?