From August 10, 2014
Enhanced Cremation Service
Those of us at MJTT who are involved in our Cremation Service have recently been inundated by complaints by otherwise-satisfied customers, including our esteemed colleagues Arthur Unknown, Ab Ennis, and Orville Slack IV, all of whom we have outfitted with an admittedly handsome robotic apparatus.
It appears from our customer survey that our current product’s flaws include, but are not limited to, the following common side effects:
Sleeplessness—an inability to sleep (occurs in 100% of all known consumers);
Rotgut tedium—a desire for a more balanced diet (50%);
Brushed metal tedium—a desire for more choices of faux skin color (100%);
Midgetization tedium—a desire for more choices of body size (99%).
With these mildly-stated complaints in hand, the MJTTCS has been diligent in creating a beta version of our upgraded devices. We are pleased to announce that on September 1, we will be offering a fuller, richer cremation service.
Our initial offering was predicated on the assumption that cremated persons, who are, by definition, dead, would not need sleep. The thinking was that sleep is necessary only for the reinvigoration of the body; because cremated robots do not have bodies, in the technical sense, we saw no need for offering the option of sleep. But as a responsible agency with the motto “We listen to our clients,” we have decided to offer, in our new beta version, the choice between sleep and consciousness. Not that either state will be perpetual and absolute: our new model will allow the inhabitant of the robotic apparatus a variety of choices, running the gamut from full and constant consciousness to permanent revery. A state-of-the-art sliding scale is located at the back of the faux skull, hidden behind the wig (blonde, brunette, and auburn are the popular colors) that prevents the embarrassment of reminding one’s friends and family that one has been robotized and is this, legally speaking, dead.
Though fully one-third of our customers are “completely satisfied” with their diet of rotgut, a majority seems to prefer other options. Thus our beta version is constructed in such a way that other nutritional amenities will be available for ingestion. The consumer will have a choice of five beverages: Guinness, Jim Beam, a vintage French chardonnay, Classical Coca-cola, and of course a fine rotgut.
As for the color of the body, our clients may wish to choose European-American pink, African-American mahogany, Eastern Asian yellow-brown, Hispanic light brown, and Eskimo albino—all in addition to the popular brushed metal. Mixes of these faux skin colors can be had at a reasonable price.
The question of size is a delicate one. Though there are obvious advantages to being tiny (one thinks of being chosen to be dropped down a well in order to rescue a child or its pet), a majority of our respondents would prefer being tall. As Mr. Slack put it, during his long and fruitful life there was one skill he was unable to master, that of dunking a basketball.
Our new model, beta stage, will offer models ranging from three feet to seven feet six, in increments of three inches. But if one wishes to be five foot eleven, our mechanics inform us that this is doable, though at an extra charge. Another option, of course, is for the consumer to choose the six feet model but walk around with a slight stoop.
If, as we expect, all goes well with this beta offering, we at MJTTCS will continually work to improve our product. We listen to our clients.