January 25, 2024
NEWS AND VIEWS
Myles na Gopaleen, Jr., The Benefits of Having an Ennis Presidency
There would be substantial advantages to having Mr. Ennis in the White House, many of them arising from the fact that he is dead, cremated, and presently flaunting a robotic apparatus.
One advantage is that he has made no promises to powerful interest groups. His sole promise, to inaugurate a constitutional amendment to extend suffrage to dead Americans, was made to a constituency that can offer him nothing but heartfelt thanks and, later, votes. He would therefore be the first president since Honest Abe not to break his promises.
A second advantage is that he would not require Secret Service protection, thereby saving the taxpayers and their children’s children a substantial sum. The reasoning here is that the purpose of such protection is to prevent assassination. Logic dictates that it is impossible to kill a dead person. Logic also dictates that it is also impossible to kill a dead, cremated, and robotized person.
A more slender advantage is that the food bill at the White House would be radically diminished. Mr. Ennis is no longer married, has no children living at home, and subsists on an occasional teaspoon of anise-laced rotgut or, on Sunday afternoons, a fine Appalachian whiskey or its equivalent. One must admit that the apparatus with which he is equipped allows him movement and speech. It also runs on batteries—but, we hasten to add, these sources of energy are rechargeable.