from The Last Decade or So
Putting aside the subjective question of style, no one with a right mind can doubt that the finest vehicle on the road today is the Hummer H2.
The H2 is by all standards an improvement over the original Hummer, which had a few impractical aspects. This latest model sports GM’s 6.0 liter V8, six seats (all of them sizeable enough to satisfy the demands of the more mature builds sported by today’s more highly-evolved species of the American gourmand), 6,700 pounds of pure muscle, an abundance of safety, and what even Consumer Reports concedes is “exceptional off-road ability.” In short, this state-of-the-present-art SUV more than lives up to the lively “Happy Jack” TV ads that boast of its many virtues.
But if Progress Is Our Most Important Product, Americans have a right to expect that even the present incarnation of the Hummer can and should be improved upon.
Thus it should come as no surprise that we at Myles Junior Think Tank have gathered our collective inventive brains and come up with an even grander road vehicle.
We have dubbed this project the T2. The name suggests a modification of the Pentagon’s latest, largest, and most lethal tank.
The interior will have all the amenities the successful citizen has come to expect (a 9 speaker audio system, electronic brake distribution, alloy wheels, tigerhide leather seats, satellite location system, night goggles, etc.), as well as an entertainment center featuring a 52-inch HDTV and three 25-inch computer terminals. It will seat a dozen sumo wrestlers comfortably.
Recognizing the environmental concerns of today’s discriminating buyer, the MJTT has devised a prototype large-scale hybrid engine that, attached to a continually variable transmission (CVT), will consume a mere 9.6 gallons to the mile.
It can be purchased in any of three colors: gray/black, medium black, and midnight black.
The metal tracks of the Pentagon’s model will be covered by a thick coating of rubber, providing a smooth ride both on the road and in the back canyons. Its 120-inch width will make it virtually rollover-proof.
The drivers’ seats will be housed in a turret, which will be located directly behind a 130 mm gun capable of blowing the heads off a pair of mating elephants.
It will be the safest car on the road, bar none—until, that is, the appearance of next year’s T3.