from November 15, 2004
Of the many letters I have received since my death 11 months ago, the majority have shown an unhealthy preoccupation with my sex life.
Though I consider this curiosity an especially acute form of perversion, I am also aware of my responsibilities to the many admirers who have taken the time to write me. They are, after all, my fans. Being an American icon, I feel compelled to answer their most frequently asked questions.
Q. Is there sex after death?
A. For most dead persons, no. For Protestants, no. For practicing Mormons, probably. For Catholics who have chosen the purgatory route, definitely. For Islamist terrorists, the opinions are mixed. For voting members of the Dead Rights Party, it depends. On what? you ask. On whether your urn has been outfitted by the robotic device designed and manufactured by Myles na Gopaleen, Jr. and Associates, a.k.a. the Myles Junior Think Tank (MJTT), and whether you have purchased the Luxury Edition, which includes all the right sex organs. The $25,000 basic robot comes with a 36 month, 36,000 miles warranty. The Luxury Edition, which will run you $100,000, is warranted for 10 years or 10,000 orgasms, whichever comes first.
Q. Are you now, or have you ever been, married?
A. When I was alive, a woman back in Panhandle County proposed to me daily. I cannot for the life of me remember her name. I wish I could say the same for her face and figure. Face like a chimp. Jugs like an unmilked Holstein. And no, I’m not presently married. Incidentally, I took the Luxury Edition option and am presently assembling a small harem, consisting of a mix of similarly-outfitted women and living ladies in the 18-64 year age range. For more information, you can usually find me at the Hôtel Adobe Watering Hole or in the vicinity. Ask for Orville . . . Oh. The woman’s name was Florence. Owned and operated the only bar and grill in town. Proposed to every male patron who walked through the swinging doors. Her father died before she was born—at least that was the general theory. It would explain the need. I don’t imagine there was that much of a lust factor. She must’ve been, oh, in her 80s.
Q. When you were alive, did you have any extra-marital affairs?
A. I wasn’t married, so No.
Q. What about the ladies? Did you fool around with any married ones?
A. I tended to keep away from that type. Lots of jealous husbands, and remember, this was back in Panhandle County, where a man’s best friend is his shotgun. So I specialized in widows. They tend to be grateful. I picked up that insight from Ben Franklin, the guy who invented electricity. Lived half his life in Pennsylvania, the other half in Paris. Paris: that’s probably where he got his theory about grateful widows. Never been to Paris myself. Wonder if they’ve got a branch of the Dead Rights Party? I’m thinking of course of an auxiliary branch.
So there you go. My sex life. I think I’ve pretty much covered the subject.