from December 1, 2003
Though the MJTT has made a significant advance in its theory of the shrinking universe, we must comply with the request of our friend, colleague, and editor Arthur Unknown to place our statement concerning this matter on hold. Mr. Unknown has a sense of urgency concerning the recent U.N. report on the disappearance of the hole in the Antarctic ozone layer—a report, he insisted, that requires that the MJTT should rethink its earlier theory and recommendations (see July 13 and 27; August 10) concerning this vital matter.
On Thursday, November 20, at 10:54:58 ET, the World Meteorological Organization (WMO), a specialized agency of the U.N. viewing itself as the “authoritative scientific voice on the state and behavior of the Earth’s atmosphere and climate” since 1951, reported that the seasonal ozone hole hovering over Antarctica has, in its words, “disappeared again after reaching record size earlier this year.”
The word that catches one’s attention in this brief missive is “again.” The assumption behind this nomenclature becomes clear as we read on: like our lunar companion, the moon, the ozone layer waxes and wanes in a highly predictable “seasonal manner,” and has done so since the mid-1980s.
“Scientists have said,” the WMO report goes on, that “the phenomenon [of waxing] results from destruction of the gas in the atmosphere by chemical compounds such as chlorofluorocarbons released in some aerosols and refrigerants. The hole refills [i.e., wanes] with surrounding ozone-rich air as temperatures rise.”
“Scientists have said . . .” The use of the passive voice is often a telltale sign of a weak theory, propped up by a reference to an anonymous self-proclaimed authority. Such, we suspect, is the case here.
“[S]ince the mid-1980s . . .” One wonders whether this phenomenon of waxing and waning has been in effect only from the time when the devices for ozone measurement were first put in place, or whether this hide-and-seek act has been at work since the split-up of the original Pangaea into the present system of multiple land masses. If it has been around since before the appearance of homo sapiens, we humans are off the hook; no one should be urged to feel guilty for brandishing a can of air freshener after a trip to the bathroom.
Are these quibbles? Perhaps. Let it be understood that the MJTT does not question the measurements of the WMO. For example, we are in no position to question its statement that the ozone cavity peaked at a record-matching 28 million square kilometers in mid-September. And we certainly have no wish to dispute its contention that the cavity has recently disappeared.
No. What we wish to dispute is the WMO’s dogmatic assertions concerning the causes of both the appearance of the cavity (“chemical pollution”) and its disappearance (“The hole refills with surrounding ozone-rich air as temperatures rise.”).
These assertions rule out ab ovo (Latin: from the outset) the original though controversial theories carefully set forth by the MJTT: (1) that the cause of the ozone depletion is the excess of penguin droppings over millennia; (2) that a simple though politically unpalatable solution to the problem would be to issue penguin hunting licenses to wealthy American sportsmen; and (3) that a more prudent solution would be to fill the ozone cavity via the technologically feasible feats of either shipping Hummers to Antarctica and pointing their ozone-creating tailpipes at the sky, and/or creating an ozonaduct that would ship the excess Southern California ozone to that beautiful but dreary continent.
Again, an agency of the U.N. has dropped the ball. Wedded to the orthodox theory concerning ozone depletion, the WMO has nearsightedly missed seeing what we at the MJTT have been monitoring since August 10.
We are now in the position to report that the American government, in conjunction with its British counterpart, has been secretly selling penguin hunting licenses to avid hunters, especially members of the NRA and the fox-hunters of Merry Olde England. Though we cannot yet quantify the effects of this politically-motivated move on the disappearance of the ozone cavity, we have no doubt that this astute but morally-questionable act has contributed significantly to the repair of the offending hole.
More, we have obtained access to classified information that General Motors has signed a lucrative contract with the Sierra Club for the sale of 10,000 Hummers for the environmentally-sound purpose outlined above. To date, over seven thousand of the machines have arrived at their various destinations on and surrounding Antarctica; the remaining are en route.
As for the ozonaduct, our moles at the DOD (Department of Defense) report that the U.S. Government has let unbid contracts for its construction. Some sources say that this has already begun at an isolated spot above Antarctica.
These pieces of intelligence, when dot has been connected to dot, leave no doubt that our original theory of the ozone problem and its solution competes on more-than-equal terms with that of the anonymous “scientists” to whom the WMO makes constant reference.