January 28, 2024
THE DAILY SCANDAL
Monte Skewer, Investigative Reporter
Today’s scandal concerns one Mr. Ab Ennis, a charlatan who is running for POTUS on what he and his fellow travelers pretend to call the “Dead Rights Party” ticket.
Among his many buffooneries are such outlandish claims as, “I have been creamated and thus purified for more than half a century.” Studies have shown that creamation keeps the creamated person purified for no more than forty years? And yet this moron claims he’s been creamated for more than fifty years!
What is even more shameless is the claim of the Dead Rights Party that they plan to “grant suffrage to dead folks and talking parrots over the age of 18.” This is nothing if not scandalous! Of course granting suffrage to dead folks is well within the bounds of the ordinary political process, but talking parrots over the age of 18? Has the DRiP no shame?
But what takes the proverbial cake is Mr. Ennis’s admission that, “I am a former Russian who, in 1906, escaped that czar-infested country carrying nothing but a half-full suitcase, a purse containing a dwarfish supply of money, and my brother’s passport.” A shocking statement! What he is admitting is that he is an illegal immigrant—or at least an undocumented alien! Has he no shame?
As the late John Lenin famously said to his fellow travelers, “Taxpayers of the nation arise, you have nothing to lose but your fortune!”