The real presidential debate was held last night in the Hôtel Adiòs Watering Hole. It was attended by a boisterous crowd consisting of seventy-some backers of the Dead Rights Party, several members of the media, and half a dozen hapless hecklers. The moderator was none other than Ms. Talia la Musa, distinguished founder of the Kachina Round Table. The questions were furnished by readers of the Small Southwestern City Picayune/Advocate/ Intelligencer.
For a video transcript of this momentous occasion, send $29.99 plus postage, handling, and a $1000 donation to:
The Great Barroom Debate
c/o Power to the Dead and to the English-speaking Parrots over the Age of 18
Small Southwestern City
US of A
Regretfully, this transcript is incomplete, due to the brawl that put the microphones out of commission before the initial questions were fully answered by the principals, the distinguished Mr. Ab Ennis and the almost-as-distinguished Mr. Orville Slack, IV. Bits of the mayhem were, however, caught on the 90-minute tape.
Ms. Mews: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [Catcalls: “Who the hell ya talkin’ to? Ain’t no ladies ’round here.” “Hey girl, bring me an’ my buddy here a pitcher o’ yore best stuff,” etc.]
Ms. Mews: Could I have your attention, please. [Catcall: “I can give you more’n my ’tention, lady.”]
Ms. Mews: Welcome to the, etc. [Thuds and clashes of mugs and bottles on tables, presumably in approval.]
Ms. Mews: The first question is for the candidate for president, the Distinguished, etc., Ab Ennis. [Cheers and a smattering of hoots.] If elected, what would be your first act?
The Distinguished Ab Ennis: If elected, I’d first of all pop for all the potent potables you down this efenink. [Cheers. Bartends scramble to fill orders. General commotion.]
Ms. Mews: Cheers!
Ms. Mews: The next question is for the Honorable Mr. Slack. [Cheers, mostly.] Quiet, please. [Cheers and boos, 80/20.] What do you have against live people?
The Honorable Mr. Slack: Could you repeat the question, please? [Cheers and boos, 70/30.]
Ms. Mews: What do you have against live American people?
Honorable Slack: You missed an adjective. [Cheers and boos, 60/40.]
Ms. Mews: What do you have against live eighteen-and-over American folks?
Hon. Slack: They get to vote. [Cheers and catcalls, 50/50.]
Ms. Mews: Quiet, please. [Decibel level drops.] Is that all?
Hon. Slack the Youngest: They also get to drink. [Cheers and catcalls, 5/95.]
Ms. Mews: Quiet, please. [Decibel level doubles.]
Ms. Mews: [Indistinguishable.]
Hon. Slack: I’m limited . . . rotgut . . . [General hubbub. Fight breaks out. Ab Ennis stomps out of bar in a way that is peculiarly his own. Orville Slack IV follows suit in opposite direction. Myles na Gopaleen, Jr. writes something illegible but brilliant on bar tab. Unidentified woman takes comma out of fourteenth draft of work-in-progress. Arthur Unknown attempts to break up fight and suffers broken nose for brave and noble effort. Unidentified woman puts comma of fifteenth draft of work-in-progress back in. Ms. Mews lights up sucker, puffs out a ring or two of smoke, retreats into rich inner life.]