from June 1, 2004
Arthur Unknown, editor of DQWA and Chair of the Committee to elect Ab Ennis, has asked the Myles Junior Think Tank to evaluate the health of the candidate this e-magazine has chosen to endorse. His selection of the MJTT for this task was based, he averred, on our impeccable reputation for objectivity, our first-hand, indeed detailed knowledge of the inner workings of the subject, and our low but not insubstantial bid.
During our thorough medical examination, which consisted of a plethora of both physical and mental probings, the first thing we noticed about Mr. Ennis was that he is dead. Though the common wisdom holds that dead persons are unfit for higher office, we must remind all interested parties of that old saw, Dead Men Tell No Tales. Thus, far from being a disqualification for the office of President of these United States, this fact is, in our judgment, a decided advantage.
Upon further investigation, we discovered (1) that Mr. Ennis has been absent from the travails that the living bear since the year 1958, and (2) that he has come through the delicate process of cremation with flying colors, despite the fact that the oven into which he was placed was of a quality inferior to that operated by the Myles Junior Cremation Service. He has recently been transferred from his original urn to one of our own making. He has also been outfitted with the state-of-the-art mobility equipment (arms, legs, fingers, toes) and functional apparatus (head, ears, acrylic ocular implants, a sniffing device, and a mouth equipped with a specially-designed Bose speaker system and a Sony tape recorder.).
He is not, however, equipped with sexual organs. We at MJTT do not consider this a major drawback, considering the job description he will, or would, be filling. In fact, we would go so far as to say that his lack of libido is a virtue, considering the long hours a president is rightly expected to spend at the job of keeping his or her campaign promises and the nation safe and prosperous.
Despite what some might consider handicaps, Mr. Ennis is also presentable. For formal occasions, such as delivering the State of the Union Address or holding press conferences in the East Room of the White House, he wears the finest suits, shirts, suspenders, shoes, sox, and ties available from the Sears Children’s Clothing Department. For less formal occasions, such as chopping sagebrush, hiking downhill, skiing, or driving tanks, he is outfitted by special tailors working under the auspices of L. L. Bean of Freeport, Maine.
He is able to dress himself.
On the point of mental acuity, we find Mr. Ennis to be alert and knowledgeable. He can recite the Pledge of Allegiance, though on occasion he leaves out the phrase “under God,” undoubtedly due to the circumstance that that controversial phrase was inserted approximately five or ten years before his death. He has memorized the names of 37 states, could spell 22 of them correctly and without hesitation, and, on a multiple-choice test, could identify the capitals of 29 of them.
In sum, we found the candidate to be physically fit, above average in intelligence, and ready for the daunting tasks that are strewn in his path.