from October 15, 2004
The practice of having an author review his or her own book is commonly frowned upon.
In facing that fact, I must give cause, reason, justification, explanation, validation, rationalization, and excuse for engaging in this practice.
This I do with no hesitation. I am reviewing my own book because it is too late in this election year for any other pundit to read it with the care and critical eye it deserves, let alone to write a thoughtful, penetrating piece that will give the discerning reader the confirmation of his or her decision to support Ab Ennis in the 2004 presidential election.
The first volume of The Incomplete Works of Ab Ennis runs 933 pages, not including the front matter, the endnotes, the bibliography, the index, and the admiring blurbs composed by Mr. Ennis’s distinguished colleagues at the Hôtel Adobe Round Table. Each and every one of those pages is in fine, elegant, 8 point print. The discerning editors at Don Quixote Writes Again, Inc., have chosen the elegant Baskerville as the font. A source close to the editor-in-chief, Mr. Arthur Unknown, has whispered it about that the alternative was the equally elegant but lesser-used Papyrus. It seems to us that this choice was wise, at least for the present volume, which, given the guaranteed longevity of the author, promises to be the first in a series of thousands.
In the Author’s Foreword we learn that Mr. Ennis started writing at the age of two. His first of many novels was completed eight months later. Unfortunately, it was rejected by the Russian publishing house, Nyet! on the grounds that the plot was too reminiscent of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Unconvinced by this reason, Ennis courageously plowed ahead, finishing writing his second novel at the age of four and sending it to the German house, Ja? Though the editors at Ja? all read it, one of them vetoed the submission on the grounds that the three main characters could barely be distinguished from the brothers Karamazov.
Undaunted, the intrepid Mr. Ennis honed his writing style and shortened his stories. The results were spectacular. At the age of five, Ja? accepted his third work, a collection of short stories, proclaiming it the work of “the next Chekhov.” Unfortunately, Ja? went down the tubes just as the print was being set.
Volume One of what promises to be a long and distinguished series of tomes consists of three works, originally written in Russian but translated by the author himself: War and Truce, The Brothers Raskolnikov, and The Collected Stories of the Next Chekhov.
This hardback edition will run you $35, though there is a 50% discount for dead American citizens and voting-age English-speaking parrots.
The publisher, Don Quixote Writes Again, Inc., reports that audio versions of these youthful masterpieces are in the works. Word has it that they will be R rated.