Every aspirant for the office of director of Homeland Security has his or her detractors and admirers. Unfortunately, a considerable number of them write books. Seldom do we find a fair, measured, objective account of the strengths and weaknesses, the outstanding attributes and foibles, of the candidate under scrutiny.
Fortunately, The Myles na Gopaleen, Jr. Story, by Ab Ennis, belongs in the latter category. The prose is lucid, simple, and elegant. The facts have been thoroughly researched. The aspirant for what has recently become the weightiest office in the land, Myles na Gopaleen, Jr. (1945 or thereabouts- ), was, in the interview conducted for this book by Mr. Ennis, the esteemed author, columnist, and presidential candidate of the Dead Rights Party, forthright in defending his innovative views, knowledgeable about terrorism, but polite, despite the swagger that attended his noticeable limp. What we have in this volume is, in a phrase, Pulitzer material.
It does not devolve upon me here to rehearse in detail the brilliant ideas of Gop, as he is known to his intimates. It is enough to say that the centerpiece of his strategy for dealing with terrorists is multi-pronged: (1) when captured, place them and the lawyers who have every right to defend them on an immense treadmill, feed them well, and get them trotting, thus creating a unique but so far unexploited source of energy and, incidentally, aiding them in their performance of penance; and (2) when dismantled, either by their own choice or by the firepower of our military personnel, pack them in urns and send them, via the latest rocketry, to the far side of the moon.
When asked the difficult question concerning whether the unfortunates of the latter category should have extended to them the right to vote, the Gopper, as he is known to the most intimate of his intimates, was unhesitant.
“Most certainly,” he avowed. “The Mooners will eventually need a government of their own.”
Would they be eligible for U. S. citizenship?
The Gopper sipped on his Irish stout and stared into the distance. A brilliant mind at work.
“It depends,” he finally replied.
“That’s a good question,” he admitted.
“It depends,” he said, finishing his mug, “on which nation has laid first claim to the nether side of the moon.”
And which nation has, in his expert opinion?
“Oh, there’s conclusive evidence. That’d be the ancient Celtics, for certain.”
The pages of this book are scattered with such gems of wisdom.
(Disclosure: this tome will be available after it is written and published.)