from November 1, 2004
In God’s opinion (Ecclesiastes 1:9), “there is no new thing under the sun.”
I beg to differ. Take, for example, the discovery of Pluto and plate tectonics, the invention of the cotton gin and the AK47, and the rise of the two-party political system in this great land. And now, the rise of a powerful alternative to these deceitful packs of waning and whining wolves, the new Dead Rights Party, which is running a slate of candidates consisting of Orville Slack IV for veep and Ab Ennis (aka moi) for prez.
This party is akin to a stealth bomber. The most recent Bugby Poll shows that it is trailing Ralph Nader and his running mate, whose name escapes everyone but his wife and two of his children, by a mere half a percent, plus or minus four points. The DRiP is in the running, despite the fact that the mainstream media is largely ignoring it.
The good news is that the Ennis/Slack duo has been picking up endorsements, from both likely and unlikely sources. The spectacularly popular e-magazine, Don Quixote Writes Again, has given our party its imprimatur. The regulars at the Hôtel Adiós Watering Hole have anted up and purchased a classified ad in the Santa Fe Saint singing our praises.
And, most interesting of all, the husband of a recently-deceased woman in Madison, Wisconsin has endorsed my candidacy—in, of all places, her obituary! His 64-year-old wife, a mother, homemaker, and grandmother, grew to dislike the incumbent candidate’s policies and the opposition party’s male gold digger’s hairdo. In the last days of her fruitful life, this woman experienced the shock that has become common among first-time readers of this e-magazine. To be brief, she converted.
This deathbed conversion had a profound impact on her husband, who, in penning her obituary, reported this transformation from Intelligent and Healthy Independent to the tenets of the Dead Rights party. As he explained, because his wife can no longer vote, he felt obliged to report the news that her fading voice be honored.
Dying persons of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your vote.
N.B. The headline of the Associated Press report mistakenly (?) read: “Woman’s Obituary Endorses Kerry.”