From: Leticia Ladrona, Esq.
To: Members of the Kachina Round Table, The Watering Hole, Hôtel Adiós, Small Southwestern City, Large Southwestern State
Re: Analyses of Candidates FYEO (For Your Eyes Only)
Copy: Ms. Analia Horney, Psy.D., New York City
Herewith the results of the analyses of the two candidates, as performed by Ms. Analia Horney:
Mr. Ab Ennis appeared serene, even stoic, in demeanor. His vocabulary is extensive and redolent of the educated class to which he manifestly belongs and of which he appears to be proud to be a member; he eschews curses and blasphemies and does not punctuate his speech w/ detritus (e.g., “uh,” “well,” “I mean,” “like,” clearing of throat, and so forth). When questioned re points on which the media might find fault w/ any or all of his past actions, he offered that his flight from Russia using his brother’s passport might cause embarrassment to either his campaign or his reputation, or, he thoughtfully added, to both. He could think of no other of his actions that would cause either pause to or termination of his campaign, though a few of them might cause him to plead guilty to youthful and thus unremarkable indiscretions. His word for such was “peccadillos,” a locution of which he appeared to be inordinately fond.
Mr. Orville Slack IV enjoys talking. He speaks with a twang consistent w/ his claim to having been brought up in the intertwining panhandles of two of the most eminent of our southwestern states. His vocabulary and overall idiom are consistent with the geographical area to which he is clearly indebted for his formative years, an area he is wont to refer to as his “breeding grounds.” When questioned re points on which the media and/or his enemies, real or imagined, might find fault w/ any of his past actions, he referred to those actions as “too many to mention.” Any and all embarrassing traits and/or past behaviors could, he averred, be turned into “net plusses” in the coming campaign; he did not elaborate, even when asked to, though his quick wit, ready laugh, and general good-humored bonhomie and/or demeanor would appear to confirm that appraisal.
Note: One concern I would have from my extensive interview with the latter gentleman is that he exhibits an occasional verbal and/or somatic tic, which might be consistent w/ a later appearance of mental senescence. Given his longevity (b. 1910; resurrected some short time ago or less), this is rather to be expected.
N.B. Neither candidate smokes, either tobacco or what Mr. Slack refers to as “th’ happah weed.” Neither has been in the presence of other citizens or noncitizens who have been engaged in such activity. Neither is overweight, as would be expected of those whose bodies are composed largely of light, narrow-gauge aluminum. Both are beyond the age of erotic craving; indeed, neither possesses a virile male member. (Here I am making an assumption; I did not consider it seemly to inspect whatever was covered by their clothing, which, at least in Mr. Ennis’s case, I would regard as dapper.) Neither consumes alcohol to excess; in point of fact, Mr. Ennis’s dosage of daily “rotgut” is commonly limited to a single quarter-teaspoon of that beverage, admixed with oil of anise—apparently an old family recipe. Mr. Slack admits to joining his confrere in imbibing said brew, but, he avers, only on special occasions. When asked to give examples of said occasions, he instanced birthdays of regular clients of the aforementioned Watering Hole, adding, facetiously, unbirthdays of same. No mention was made of the aborning legend that he consumed an entire gallon of an inferior but potent brew on the evening prior to his (initial) demise.
In fine, my analysis is congruent with the terms of the contract.